When “All He Wants Is Sex” and “All She Wants Is Emotional Connection”

…. dissatisfaction, distance, and the divide between you grow….

It may be unpopular to discuss differences between men and women. To be sure, we are each and every one of us made of stardust, destined toward the same fate, and fully capable of occupying almost any space here on planet Earth (minus a few biological realities such as childbearing and sperm production). Our fundamental equality outshines our differences.

And, there are differences we would be wise to honor and understand.

One body has genitals partially internal and external; another has genitals protruding entirely outward. One can birth children and has milk ducts expressly for feeding them; the other cannot. These visible differences have corresponding, less visible ones. One is often slower to warm up sexually and sustains arousal longer; the other may come to arousal more quickly, climax, and move out of arousal more quickly.

A very common impasse in heterosexual relationships is this: the woman wants to feel emotionally connected before being willing to open sexually, while the man often seeks sexual connection as a pathway into emotional closeness.

If you are experiencing this dynamic in your relationship, you are not alone. And it’s not personal. It has to do with our design differences.

From an energetic mapping, even the energy centers, or chakras, spin in opposite directions depending on whether you are an “innie” or an “outie.” The innie draws life-force energy inward at the base, while the outie expresses energy outward at his base. Moving up the torso, this polarity continues, with the heart of the innie radiating outward; and the heart of the outie drawing inward, etc.

The good news is that the universe itself is built on polarity—it is how it births itself. Polarity is what gives rise to form. Positive and negative charges create electric flow. Without polarity, atoms would not form—electrons would not bind to nuclei; chemistry, and therefore life, would not exist. North and south poles define one another; matter and antimatter arise in relationship. Waves—light, sound, water—oscillate between opposites: compression and rarefaction, up and down, positive and negative amplitude. Reality itself vibrates through contrast. Motion requires difference.

Even in same-sex or nonbinary relationships, there is always a negotiation of opposites—a dynamic tension that allows for attraction and coming together. And when too much neutrality enters over time, couples can drift apart.

We would be wise, then, to understand and honor our difference rather than mistakenly assume, or worse, demand sameness. We can skillfully amplify the polarity between us to facilitate attraction, aliveness, and magnetism.

Without understanding this, we tend to approach and engage our partner in the way we ourselves would like to be approached and engaged. Men are likely to reach directly for a woman’s breasts and pussy when wanting to engage sexually, while women may reach for conversation and emotional connection as foreplay. Both approaches will likely turn the other off, as these do not support the other’s arousal system.

And the order of operations that must occur before these two can find themselves in a moment of mutual arousal is this: first emotional connection and then sexual. This isn’t personal, it’s wiring. A woman’s heart must be engaged before she can authentically open sexually, and therefore, the more deeply she feels met in her heart, the more naturally her body opens.

Again, this isn’t personal, it’s wiring.

Women, when you feel your partner leading primarily with his penis and being overly preoccupied with your breasts and pussy, please understand that he is not trying to hurt you or objectify you. He is a seeder being and wired to seed; it’s his design. He is showing up as himself for love. When we judge or reject him for his difference, we close our own hearts—and therefore lose access to what allows us to open sexually. So be your own best ally and guide him to connect with your heart so that you can both open to one another for a fulfilling and mutually gratifying connection.

And men, she is not like you. Your key to the garden of Eden is much more likely a nonsexual head, neck and foot massage with some shares and laughter about your day. Spend time with her in this way, with no agenda but to arrive in this present moment with her. Breathe together. Appreciate one another. And before you know it, she will be softening and opening to you for a delicious sexual encounter.

Let’s not make ourselves or one another wrong. Let’s understand one another’s arousal systems, and give one another the kind of contact each desires so that we can find one another in a mutual moment of love and connection.