Holding Ourselves and One Another in a Loving Light

As humans, we are exquisitely attuned and responsive to how we are held. When someone holds us in high regard and expects good things from us, we are far more likely not only to feel happy around them and drawn to being close, but also to show up as our better selves. When we feel seen, loved, cherished, adored… well, we usually respond in kind. We may not consciously register the magnetism here, but we are all, on some level, responding to the internal images people are holding of us.

So, if we want to optimize the causes and conditions that support doing love well together, this is one of our keys. The mechanics: we all hold internalized images of one another, moment by moment. We undoubtedly hold both positive and negative internalized images of our partner—the one who gives us love and whom we love; the one who hurts us, lets us down, disappoints, and didn’t unload the dishwasher (again). How I perceive you, relate to you, and what I expect from you shapes who you show up as with me. When I meet you as incompetent, you will likely fumble and disappoint; as dangerous, you will guard; as radiant and capable, you will likely shine more brightly.

When we become more balanced in ourselves, we understand this is a mechanism we can consciously optimize and wield toward co-creating love and mutual positive regard with our partner. When we hold a positive internal image of our partner, this subtly supports and informs them (as well as uplifts our own spirits in their presence). This is how we can become part of the solution rather than part of the problem in a given moment. Even when our partner struggles, we continue to practice holding them in the highest regard. And this doesn’t even necessarily need to be spoken. They can feel the qualities of our internalized image of them through our eyes and the manner in which we engage with them.

The nightmare of this process is when we or our partner see and hear through a lens of wounding, where the slightest irritation in our voice ignites the imprint of, say, the critical, disapproving mother. No matter how we attempt to keep things in the present—“It’s been a rough day, I could use a hug”—they are already lost to another time when they did not feel able to succeed, deemed themselves not enough, and collapsed into a puddle of self-pity. Such a sad and unsatisfying moment for both.

It is much more fun for us all to be with someone who is holding an image of us that we actually like. Even better, an image of the highest possibility of us that we long to emerge as. Tantra optimizes this process, consciously practicing seeing self and other as already actualized in our enlightened forms, our highest potential. We may very well be showing up farting and wiping the snot from our nose, but we hold the view of the enlightened field—all beings already fully actualized as Buddhas, Gods, and Goddesses. (Happily, from the perspective of these traditions, this is far closer to the reality of who we actually are, evident when the veils of our misapprehension lift.)

When we feel held in unconditional love and positive regard, our breath deepens. It becomes easier to show up for love within ourselves, welcoming the parts that feel unworthy or unwelcome back into the fabric of belonging. When we have a felt sense that our partner is not experiencing these parts as a problem, we can co-opt their perspective, softening the internal walls we once erected out of disbelief in the lovability of these aspects of ourselves.

It’s a magical little recipe, and the more we can make it conscious, the more we can optimize it in our relating. When you next look at your partner, instead of seeing the ordinary person before you who may or may not have just pleased or displeased you, let yourself see, in whatever way works for you, the ancient, timeless being before you—the reflection of God/Goddess they are, your Beloved, able to birth your inner God or contribute star seeds so that you can birth your greatest dreams into existence. Let yourself maintain this view in your relating and offer the honor and respect commensurate with the magnitude of their participation with you. Notice how this affects the quality of your interaction.